"I don't trust anyone any more--not even you!" It was hard to know how to react the first time I heard those words. Back in 1993. At the Re-Imagining Conference, sponsored by the World Council of Churches, in Minneapolis. Where I'd just opened my first package of my new book, How Little We Knew. Already overwhelmed and humbled with the number of passionate women, standing in line to tell their stories or ask questions, I felt as if I'd just been slapped in the face by the speaker who was introducing herself to me with those words. Looking back, I'm not certain that my body language matched my attempt to be gracious. I just hope so.

While I hadn't asked for anyone to totally trust me, it appeared that this lady's choice to simply approach my table was an act of partial trust, in itself. Since she had just met me, it was somewhat of a risk for her to talk with me, even though what she saw from my table indicated that I should be empathetic and understanding in regard to her story.

It seemed that her being at the conference was a denial of the words she had just spoken. Getting on a plane, walking into a strange motel, and joining over 2000 people at an international conference was a testimony that she indeed did trust a lot more than she realized!

Following my gut, I responded: "I understand that it's hard to trust anyone when you've been betrayed." Yet, inside my head I was saying: "Either I don't understand or this lady doesn't really understand what she is saying."

Later that evening, as I crawled into bed, reflecting on the hours of intensity and all the lives that had touched mine that day, it was this woman's words, above all others, that haunted me. I needed to sort out just why it had caught me so off guard, internally. Eventually, as I quieted my own thoughts, I realized that it had to do with past associations. I'd actually met people who'd made this same statement, through their actions, many times. Just never outside the psychiatric intensive care units, where I'd patiently coaxed patients to take pills or eat food that they were quite convinced would poison them! Those people were psychotic, though. To have someone, walking around at an international conference, making this statement about trust to a total stranger, was another matter. Now, eleven years later, I've lost count of the number of times that I've heard those very words; and I am as convinced today as I was in 1993 that the speakers, though they believe what they are saying, would do well to reconsider their words.

Having had my own experience of deep betrayal, a few years earlier, by colleagues I trusted, my confidence in a lot of people had been seriously eroded. Yet, I had trusted many people since, in order to get a job, buy a house, fill out Pell Grant applications to help our family survive in the midst of the economic devastation that had been created in the aftermath of betrayal. In all of these things, I had been very cautious, perhaps wiser than a few years earlier, definitely much more anxious, yet still trusting others in certain matters, without fear of being excessively cheated. I had told my story and others' stories many times (with their permission), yet without trusting my listeners to comprehend fully what I was saying.

Today, when I hear: "I don't trust ANYONE." I think of it as an incomplete sentence. What I believe the lady was saying was that she did not trust me 100% to fully believe her story or to give her whatever she was seeking from me. She was wise not to trust me in that way, especially since many others had probably failed her in the past. As I've since reflected on her words, I find that the saddest thing is that she felt a need to make that statement at all.

To say that one does not trust ANYONE is to give more power to the betrayal and to the perpetrator than either deserves. As I see it, the statement is an indication that the speaker is actually putting oneself down! Only the most psychologically regressed individuals truly do not trust ANYONE for anything. They are usually quite easy to spot in public, and seldom can they be found mingling at an organized activity.

To fully trust every stranger on the street, though, is as foolish as not trusting anyone. Both ends of the spectrum are just plain--excuse my slang--goofy! Both are irrational.

Some survivors put a preface to "I don't trust ANYONE" by saying: "I used to trust EVERYONE. Now I don't trust ANYONE!" Then, they may add another statement: "I wish the abuse hadn't changed me." These survivors are the ones that sometimes frighten me. They seem to be under the impression that their previously "trusting everyone" 100% was healthy. It appears that the wisdom of not trusting has not been fully examined. While it would be magically wonderful if we could divide the world's population into two distinct boxes--trustworthy and untrustworthy--none of us would fit into either box. We all like to think that we would. Yet we are all human, no matter how hard we try to be otherwise.

What I believe many survivors of any kind of power abuse are really saying is: "I don't trust myself to keep myself safe, ever again. If I get into an unsafe situation or encounter a trigger, I fear that I can't find my way out. I fear that it will totally destroy me." That is also irrational. Yet, if that is your fear, you may want to consider the "I don't trust anyone" again. Chances are that you are stronger than you see yourself as being. Chances are that you can trust yourself more than you realize.

Want a good exercise to assist you in exploring personal trust issues? Then make a list of every person in your life. Beside each name, put a percentage to indicate the degree that you believe you trust that person to do anything. Next, list all of the specific things you are certain you could trust that person to do. I think you will find that you trust a lot of people for a lot of things, which means you are healthier than you perhaps thought yourself to be. Yet, what you write about each person is likely to vary, simply because no two people are alike. We all have a different set of strengths and weaknesses. That's why having a support TEAM, such as you are likely to find on Advocate Web, is so important. Not every person can meet all of your needs. Certainly not all survivors can meet all survivor needs. Still, the more people you know, the more likely you are to find ways to meet a lot of them. Trusting yourself to trust others enough to find a support team is crucial to your growth beyond abuse.

Now, if you are measuring others' trustworthiness, in the general population, based on whether they believe your story or can support you or go to bat for you, then perhaps you need to consider your litmus test. It's nice when all of that happens. It's just not likely that the average person on the street is going to meet all of those criteria. You'll be fortunate if they meet ONE! So perhaps the statement you are really making is: "I don't trust anyone to fully support me, in regard to this lonely journey I'm on." That's very rational. The same could be said of cancer or bereavement! Yet it doesn't negate you trusting others to meet some of your other basic needs, as well as some of your survivor needs. Even though a part of your life's journey is very lonely, there are many other parts to your journey--both past, present, and future--where people, yourself included, have been and will continue to be trustworthy.

There are always going to be situations that we did not foresee. Many that we could not have foreseen in an individual or situation. The world is full of con artists. Yet, it isn't SATURATED by con artists. Most of us can be trusted, by others, to do a lot of wonderful and decent things. Especially we can be trusted to trust ourselves, more and more, as we become wiser and healthier on our progressive journeys.

Of course, you trust--just not everyone all of the time. That's good! It just keeps us on our toes when we remember this.

Dee Ann Miller

This article, like all at www.takecourage.org is copyrighted by the author. Other writers, by copyright law, may use up to 300 words in other published works without asking permission, provided the author is given full credit. This also applies to the acronym "DIM Thinking," a term coined by Miller. You may download and/or distribute copies of any of these articles, for educational purposes, PROVIDED the pages are distributed without alteration, including this copyright statement.

www.takecourage.org by Dee Ann Miller, author of How Little We Knew: Collusion and Confusion with Sexual Misconduct and The Truth about Malarkey.