Winning the Battle
by Dee Ann Miller
As survivors, we often see ourselves as losers. The truth is that we don't
have to see ourselves that way. Despite the losses, there are ways to win!
Back in 1992, I was in the doldrums emotionally. I borrowed a stack of old magazines, hoping to separate my mind from my losses, and took off with my husband to a luxurious resort hotel that we really couldn't afford. It was there, in a July, 1986, Parents' Magazine, that I found an article that has kept me going, through thick and thin, as I have fought one battle after another-some internally, but many with powerful people, while seeking to have my voice heard as an advocate.
The article by a well-known psychologist, Dr. Julius Segel, was intended to help promote his "new book," Winning Life's Toughest Battles (McGraw-Hill). Of course, the book wasn't new in 1992. In fact, when I went to look for it some time later, it was on the "failures" list. In other words, it had gone out of print.
Well, Segel's message didn't get wasted! I used it and am passing it on to you. I thought of it again yesterday when my husband Ron reminded me: "We can't win the war in life unless we are able to survive the battles." Ironically, he wasn't referring to my advocacy work at all. He was talking about some other things related to his professional life. Ron is a minister.
Tackling powerful systems in a case of sexual abuse often feels like war. Yet, in reality, it is only one of our battles. In a series of battles that make up the beautiful, yet trying, process we call life.
Segel says that it is quite possible to live triumphantly, despite tremendous crises, if we utilize five techniques:
COMMUNICATE - When I saw that, I was initially cynical. Few people really
welcome me doing that, I told myself. Back then, in 1992, I didn't have the
Web and had no idea where to find other survivors. The only ones I'd met were
former clients of mine. I had to read on and come back to this one later.
Finally, I thought back to days of beating my head against the wall in other
battles. Like when we lived in Africa and I found myself wrestling with officials
of a government ruled by a "benevolent dictator," hoping to get
permission to implement some small projects to improve the health and well-being
of the poverty-stricken citizens. Nothing came easy. Yet I finally succeeded
with some of my dreams because I kept talking, even when it seemed nobody
was listening. Looking back, I realized that it wasn't all of those people
who didn't listen that made the difference. With each project, the only important
person was the one who finally did! For survivors, that one person may be
a therapist, another survivor in the network, or just a writer like Segel
whose words can help you think differently and increase your creativity.
CONTROL - Segel started this section telling of a time when he lost two brothers
and his father in the course of eighteen months. He was convinced life was
over. The simple act of getting out of bed was too much for him. Then, he
started setting a structure for himself, forcing himself to act like things
were going to be okay, by doing some routine things he'd done for years. He
got back to the typewriter and wrote, without fail, each morning. This was
a way of taking charge of his life, rather than letting what he could not
control take charge of him.
CONVICTION - Making a purpose out of the pain, seeing it as a way to ultimately
learn and grow or to bring about change in the world, is liberating. It takes
us away from the "If only…" thinking that keeps us stuck in
yesterday. The how isn't nearly as important as the conviction that we are
going to make a positive purpose, no matter what. This is not to say that
finding the energy to cope with life, after all of the devastation, is easy.
It's not at all. Sometimes looking at other over-comers who have fought some
very different battles can inspire us; but there are no simple formulas, no
pat answers. Segel speaks of weaving a "significant thread into life's
tattered fabric."
A CLEAR CONSCIENCE - Blaming self for the tragedies of life is never productive.
With victims of professional sexual misconduct, it's almost a universal problem,
made more difficult because others echo those feelings. Yet it is very hard
to feel guilty about the past while being hopeful about the future, Segel
reminds us. Even if you are hanging on to a remnant of guilt, you can still
move on. You can accept yourself as an imperfect person who deserves the best,
a person who is headed toward better things. Keep that vision while talking
through the guilt issues with people who will continue to remind you of reality.
COMPASSION - Pain becomes tolerable when we balance our own concerns with
those of others. This does not mean we are to neglect ourselves. Not at all!
Yet reaching out to others, sharing in the commonality of human suffering
and oppression, can put our own suffering into perspective. In so doing, we
not only fortify others. We fortify ourselves and set an example for others
who are looking to us--our children, our friends, and maybe a few strangers
who might end up being the best listening ears we've ever found!